All my life I have been trying to find and connect with Spirit or the pure and perfect Self within. My quest for wholeness involved a lifetime of deep research, deep thinking, experimentation with all manner of spiritual diets, fasting, transmutation, meditation and writing about all that I learned on various websites. At the same time, I tried to do all I could to support and protect trees, plants, animals and anything to do with nature. To meditate (in samadhi) in a garden surrounded by trees and shrubs is my idea of heaven on Earth.
Unfortunately, many negative influences kept getting in my way such as severe depression, chronic fatigue, severe anxiety and terrible agoraphobia. I am still not sure what caused all these set-backs. Evil spirits? Bad genes? Toxic chemicals? Heavy metals? Electromagnetic pollution? Chronic bullying? I don't know, but it would most likely have to be caused by a combination of all of the above.
Also, circumstances beyond my control forced me to move three times and get stuck in an apartment where they kept jacking up the rent nearly a hundred dollars a year, forcing me into a losing financial battle and a fight for physical survival. Being agoraphobic, I found moving to be extremely stressful and terrifying too. I often had to skip meals and fast for several days on mineral water to save enough money to pay the astronomical rent! Terrible depression and anxiety from previous years kept coming back to haunt me. That meant I had to keep going over my diet again and again until I got it just right.
Unfortunately the cost of my diet went way over my limited budget. I was extremely annoyed by all of these problems because all I really wanted was simply to find Goddess and live a spiritual life. To my great annoyance, everyone else in my apartment complex seemed to just want to party and have fun. A quiet night was a rare gift. I just wanted a quiet place to transmute physical desires into bliss, meditate deeply and hopefully leave the body at least long enough to make some vital communication with my spirit guides to get the answers I desperately needed all along.
I wanted to have nothing to do with the physical world where I felt very lonely and isolated because everyone seemed so materialistic and sophisticated in ways that really made me feel a lot like an idiot. I hated socializing unless it was for a spiritual purpose. I always found it difficult to understand money and how to earn it, and actually wanted to have nothing to do with competition for survival. It all seemed so pointless.
All I wanted to achieve was to become spiritually advanced enough to be able to see and communicate with my Divine Mother or Goddess. I long to dwell in Spirit where there is love, bliss, realization and transcendence beyond all the frustrating and dangerous limitations of the physical world. I am not at all interested in the "3D world." In fact I hate it, because all my physical needs, frustrating limitations, problems, etc. simply get in my way.
As if all of the above were not bad enough, I now owe thousands of dollars in back taxes on money that was unavoidably and completely used up on rent and food, therefore I continue to remain in a massive predicament. So what do taxes have to do with Spirit? Absolutely nothing, and when one fully realizes one is in essence absolutely infinite Spirit or infinite "nothing" or "oneness" such a phenomenon cannot be taxed in any way whatsoever. I recently saw an image somewhere that said the body is the temple of God, therefore it must be tax exempt!
All my problems seem so utterly unnatural and unjust compared to who I really am, which is Infinite or Unbounded Love or Spirit. I was called various names by other people, but that is not who I really am. Luckily I can sense inner peace; I can feel immense wholeness within my self: that I am Spirit and have no end to the massive abundance deep within. Spirit is the only real joy and strength I have.
In order to raise more money for my all-important research to connect with Spirit and the afterlife, I recently wrote 21 ebooks for Kindle. Some of these texts you can download for free if you have Amazon Prime.
Books on Kindle by Russell Symonds (Yogi Shaktivirya)